The truth hurts. Relationships are always hard when it comes to the time when you realize that both of you do not share the same feeling to each other. You might like or love them, but they do not return the sentiment. They just think of you as a friend or acquaintance. I just ended one self centered love I had for a girl. I would like to keep this as a lesson in my heart, and I share you what I have learned. I hope when I get older, I will read this again and tell my kids not to make the same mistakes. Or if they do, I would like them to know how to make different ones than I did.
Over the past year I experienced stupid selfish egoistic love toward a girl. She already told me that she could not do it anymore and she did not want a relationship with me, but I could not stop thinking about her and kept lying to myself and her as well saying that I was just her friend. And after that, I was literally obsessed with the thought of trying to get attention back from her. I tried everything I could do. I endured most of the things that you can come up with if you are in love with someone who is not in love with you: listening to her when she was weak and not good in terms with her boyfriend, and supporting her emotionally when she was upset.
Do you know how it feels to be close to a girl you like but who likes someone else? It is a nightmare. You listen to her talking about her boyfriend and all you can do is just accept the reality and it is gut-clenching knowing that she would never be yours. I wanted to tell her that I was still in love with her so many times. However, I chickened out at every turn. At some points, I told her that “I do not want you to text me anymore when you feel lonely and I do not like someone who is blind in love” which was partially true- but at the same time a total lie. I was honest in that I did not want her to talk about her boyfriend. I was trying to forget about her so that it would be easier for me to move on with my life. Yet, I still wanted to communicate with her.
This happened because I had trouble accepting that she was having an incredibly amazing time with him – more than I had with her. There was nothing I could do about it then. I then made up my mind not to text her so that I would be able to forget about her eventually. I would look at the text that I was going to send her over and over, feeling uneasy and exhausted… and then I sent it. When I got a text from her saying, “have a good life,” it hurt my feelings. I thought I must be a person she did not care about that much, but in the same breath I felt that I released myself from the pitiful uncertainty and I finally did something for myself. However, it was true that I was still thinking about her even she stopped texting me. But it was good to break it off since I was almost lost myself.
Sometimes I checked her on Facebook and I saw pictures everywhere that she was very happy with her boyfriend and there were no photos of me. Then I gradually snapped back into reality that she was now out of my life totally, and told myself that I had to move on. As the days went by, I started to think about her less and more about school and work. Sometimes, whenever I smelled her perfume on a train, I thought of her and made me breathless.
One time, I was hanging out with a different girl (who was from Finland) on my birthday. She was kind enough to spend time with me. We walked around my city until around 10 P.M. She was nice and really smart, however, the other girl was still in my head and that prevented me from taking one step. And I just said to the Finnish girl, “Thank you for coming” and took her to the nearest station. And that was the time I realized that I could not move on until I made sure how she felt about me again. The more I thought about her, the more upset I became. Friends told me that I looked depressed sometimes. I was tired enough but put my smile on my face. I did not even give attention to people who were judging me. I wrote an article long time ago (article on December 20th love yourself first).
Then, I bought a ticket for the U.S. I was not going back to the U.S just to talk to her, but also to make business plans with my friend.
In retrospect, If I had gone back there just to see her and make sure, I would have been the stupidest person in the world. On my birthday, I hoped she would text me. She did not. The next day, I received a text from her saying “happy belated birthday“. And I was so happy in that I got a text from her! I remembered how happy she was with her boyfriend and remembered all the joyful pictures on Facebook, so I played it cool as if I was really not interested in her anymore. This was a lie. She asked me if I wanted to go to Cuba with her. I told her that I might if I had money. I mean come on, it would be stupid to go to another country with a girl who you know has a boyfriend.
So I came back to the U.S and I saw her again. It was all great. She was beautiful as usual and more sophisticated than ever – and still with her boyfriend. I was hoping that she would leave him soon so that I would be able to have a conversation and ask her if she was interested in me or not. This was foolish.
My closest friend would constantly tell me that I had been insanely stupid and helpless as hell, and begged me not to see her anymore and told me all the bad things that could happen. I ignored their warnings, because I was thinking about her again. It was true that I was on the top of the world when I was with her, but I did not tell her. I was such a coward. There have been moments that I could have told her about my feelings a lot of times but I kept lying to myself and her.
There was a moment I was mad at her. I regretted that I was mad quickly, but it was an honest feeling. And of course that got her uncomfortable and made her distant. Since then, I was not able to see her for almost three weeks. This was the hardest part of the trip, and I wanted to confirm that we were done before she was disappeared from my life.
Since I could not see her, I decided to text her. I started texting all the feelings I had for her over the last year. The text was massive – almost a whole book – and she was kind enough to read through all of them. This time I was fully honest with my feelings. Never in my life had I poured out my feelings as I did in this text. I did not have much time in the United States and I thought I would not have time to see her again. After I typed all of feelings and sent them, I felt that I was finally free. The text was cathartic. And at the end of the day, I found out (as was obvious as it was at the beginning) that she was not interested in me at all.
But it was good at least to me that I could hear it again straight from her mouth. And she made me realize that I was so demanding and obsessed as hell. I realized that I was being really egoistical and that I had done all this for myself and not thinking about her life or reactions. And she told me that I did not have to be her friend. Oh well, the truth hurts, you know. And I had to admit the fact that I probably did not love her but was just being needy and childish because someone got her and I did not, and I should care about her happiness as well as my own. People make stupid choices, but it only helps us learn something new and teaches us how we just are going to apply it to the next situation.
So what I learned is:
- Don’t be so dramatic (even that is the way you are).
- Don’t hang out with someone if you are not willing be a friend to them in the first place.
- Do not lie to yourself and whoever you are dealing with.
- If you love someone after a rejection, just leave them alone.
- Get to know the truth as fast as you can.
- Do not postpone your decision until it is too late and waste your time.
- If you are such a dramatic guy as I am, I recommend you to make fast moves otherwise you will waste your time.
- Don’t love someone too much when they do not love you
But at the end of the day, communicate well. Be open with your friends and lovers. If it is hard to end a relationship, do it anyway, because it is not healthy for you in the long run.
Give it up for those who provide beautiful pictures: