Me Time and Me Space: Loving yourself is the first step to loving others

Who are you? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? What encourages you? What are you pursuing? And what do you know about yourself?

I was sick in the morning when I finally got out of my bed. Regardless of what I felt, I went out of my house to the school I have been going for four years. I rode my scooter to the subway station. It was only 5:50am; everyone is still sleeping in their beds usually when I get on the subway. It was silent, but there were a lot of noises scattering around in my head. I was thinking about everything that had been stressing me out to the point I felt I just wanted to be alone.

It took me two and half hours to get to my university, but it was nothing hectic since I had been doing this for almost three years so far. When I arrived at my university, I immediately took my feet to a class room where I had to give the last presentation in my entire college life in 10 minutes.  I sat on the one of chairs randomly ordered in the room. I wasn’t thinking about the presentation, but thinking about something else.

As time ticked away, I was gradually feeling like throwing up and got a severe stomachache which I have never felt in my life or at least since I got into the University. Even with the sickness, I completed my 90 minutes presentation like nothing was wrong with me. Everyone in the room gave it up for me, and asked me questions related to the topic I delivered the speech about.

I went out to the bathroom right after the presentation, and I literally  said to the man in the mirror “Who are you?”.  It was me, but was not me. I did not feel that I was looking at myself, rather, I was looking at someone else I was not familiar with. My face was so pale, no smile, no nothing. On top of the weird feeling, my stomach flipped upside down intensely, and I threw up. In that, I went to see my doctor who told me that I was under too much stresses and I needed to take a break from everything I had to deal with.

Now that I think about it, I was under so much pressure, and having all the sorts of thoughts at the same time. I was thinking about school, my job, relationships, my passion, death of a loved one and more. If I had a dollar for every time I list thoughts I had in my head, I would have been a millionaire. Especially the relationship part had been the one of troubles constantly bothering me most of the days over the last 10 months.

I was loosing myself. I did not feel any confidence in myself whereas I used to have too much confidence in myself.

I was loosing myself to the obsessive thoughts and my characteristic of being strict and harsh on myself. Thus, I decided to be alone. I decided to be alone in my own world where nobody can possibly intervene with me or come bother me: “Me time and Me space“.

I stopped hanging out with anyone, cancelled all the appointments I had with others, and most importantly, even stopped communicating with my best buddy. However, this had to be done to heal myself and regain the confidence in myself I used to have. I needed to take care of myself first to take care of others well enough to make them feel good.

Speaking of relationships, I have been having obsessive thoughts and feelings about a girl, but I was trying to move on, shutting down all the communication means I could use to interact with her, and I gradually started to get myself back on the right track. I started to see girls I was interested in, and they were fantastically smart, full of compassion and beautiful, which I need the most for a girl in my life. Even with the thought, there was a feeling lingering up in my head  “I do not think I can love them the same way I loved the girl I am still having feelings for”. However, I was trying to move on and make some changes in my life by doing something I knew that was meaningless.

The day I went to the hospital to see my doctor, I had an appointment with a girl I had been seeing, but she cancelled it on me. It hurt, but in the same breath, it was good for me because deep down in the back of my mind, all the time I knew that she was not the one I truly wanted, but I was justifying to myself that she could be the one at the same time.  If she had come, I would have definitely kept lying to myself and her as well, and I was also feeling sorry for her in that I had been wasting her time just to hang out with me. It was not fair to her since I used her in order to kill my loneliness. That was a trigger of my canceling all the meetings I had with others. They asked me why, but I never replied to them…

I needed “Me time and Me space” to clear up my thoughts and define what I wanted to get in my life and what I wanted to accomplish. I needed to take care of myself first to take care of others better. I needed to love myself just like I used to do.

All the people on the earth are only human beings, in other words, even they say they are tough, they are not. We are all fragile and cannot bear extreme stresses and pressures from outside. It is better if you have someone who you can trust and who trusts you enough to support you throughout tough times, but that is not that case most of the time. We need time to love and take care of ourselves.

I finally faced my inner voice that had been telling me the exact the same thing  from the beginning of all the struggles up to now. When it comes to the point you ca not have any room for anything, all the opinions and perspectives others have to suggest you do not matter to you anymore.

And I also rekindled my passion to write articles which always help me to be relaxed and happy.

What I have learned through having “me time and space” is that I can not love more than two people at the same time, and even If do, it makes me sick to death. Furthermore, I noticed that time I have troubles with myself, I became weaker and weaker to the point where I can not have decent relationships not only with girls but also with my best friend. I believe that when those who are true to themselves and take care of themselves well finally meet one another, they will have a great relationship and truly respect each other without having any kind of fears or regrets.

I’m still in the healing process, but at least now I have been regaining what I need to complete myself, and start believing in myself again, and this is because I decided to talk to myself and take care of myself first despite the fact I have many people I would like to take care of first.

You need to love yourself in order to love others well, and it is your job to take care of yourself always.


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Time to say good bye. Do something before you regret

As long as you live, there is always a time you can not avoid.

Time to say goodbye.

It is always hard to say goodbye to your lover, friends, and family, no matter whatever the situation is.

You look back the times you had great fun with them, feeling sorry for yourself having not seen them more than you should have. However the time to depart is gradually, but steadily coming as time progresses against your wish.

You regret looking back the time you did and said something to them, which might have hurt their feelings.

You kick yourself for all the things you could have done for those who cared about you, and those you care about, but you did not.

Such a life.

Tired of regretting.

Tired of being sorry.

You get misty-eyed.

You might have cried over them for a night.

You wish that time would stop for good.

You wish that you shouldn’t have met them in the first place.

However, it is time for you to get up your nerve and say goodbye to your peers.

The past can not be changed.

If there is still time, say “Thank you” to every last one of people who took care of you, who loved you, who had a great time with you,  and who will miss you.

My experience of Goodbye

My life is full of regrets. I do still remember the first day I felt so bittersweet and cried so hard wishing I would not have to break away from my beloved friends.

It was 14 years ago that I was 7 years-old and I had to move out of city I lived in for 3 years. Since my father had been working at a certain life insurance company that sent him around all across the country, I already had experiences of moving from one place to another, but I had never stayed at one place for so long.  Within 3 years, I went to a kindergarten for 2 years and elementary school for a year, which was enough time for me to make friends to hang out with and trust , and enough time to fall in love with a girl. On the last day, I walked around the park I had used to go to and played with my friends in vein. I met up with a girl there I had crushed on for the first time. I told her that I had to move out of the city, and I liked her so much. Now that I think about it,  it was a unique situation for a 7 year-old kid to step up to the plate and say “I like you so much” like a grown up man. She started sobbing, telling me that she also liked me. My heart jumped up in the sky like a space shuttle lunched into space, but at the same time, I had to face the reality that I could not see her anymore. It was a bitter pill to swallow. I also met a boy who I had used to hang out with a lot. He gave me a Pokemon Card shinning in the sun light, which is the card he had been proud of having because of its rarity. I would have never imagined that he was going to give that to me. He told me,

This card will keep us together

He and she ran as long as they could after our car when we left the city. It was the first time that I had ever kicked myself at the fact that I did not hang out with them more often.

     By the time I started to fit into a new school, there was another moving-out after staying for only 7 months in the school. I thought I was totally fine with it, and decided not to cry again, but it was still difficult for an 8 year-old kid.  A lot of my friends gathered and signed their names and addresses on a little book, which I still have in my house. There was a girl who wrote,

“I liked you since the day I met you, good bye”

As far as it went, she would always drop by my house a lot for whatever the reason she had, and that made me think that she might like me, but at the end of the day, I could not confess my feelings to her. Regret!!

I had a chance out of the blue to talk with her later when I was 20 years old. She told me that I held her hands always when she asked me to do so, and put her hands in my pockets to warm them up when it was cold.

When I moved out to another new place which I have lived in for almost 13 years , I had already gotten used to saying goodbye and moving on, unlike any other kids around me at that time. As a matter of fact, that was my 5th time of moving-out. I graduated from an elementary school and junior high school.

If I had to mention the most bitter goodbye I had during that period of time, I would have to say that it was the time I had to leave soccer club that I had been a part of for 3 years. For 3 years, my teammates and I had been together. We went through all the emotions you can think of: an emotion out of losing the game, winning the game, being scolded by a coach and social tension among members.

We were competing against other teams in a tournament we had for the last time in which winning games was the only way to continue our existence. We lost a game. After the game, some members were upset, and some were crying. I did not cry, but after getting back to my place, all the emotion I held back started busting out of my mouth. Just the thought of not being able to play soccer with them made me hopeless and miserable.

It came to my life all of a sudden that I got qualified to study abroad in Texas for a year when I was 16 years old. I flew to the U.S. in the hopes of learning English.

Do you know the things that make you cry when you have to say goodbye to people? As far as I know, there are two possibilities. The first possibility is simply because  you are sad at the fact that you have to leave and can not see your friends anymore unlike you used to. The other possibility is because you have to leave and you can not come back to the place you were totally accustomed to.

By the time I had to leave the U.S., I was absolutely done with goodbyes, but instead I was sad for leaving a place I was so familiar with. I went to the field on the last day of school, where I had used to practice soccer for school with teammates everyday after school. I cried a little.

I am not saying that I did not feel sad at the fact I had to leave everyone I met there behind, but simply I had already gotten used to it. And since I had already gotten used to it and learned lessons not to regret later on like I had a lot of times, I was not kicking myself about anything relating to relationships with people. I had a good time with them, and did everything I could do for them and myself.

And now here I am in Florida, about to leave for Japan.

To be honest, I do not regret anything since I did everything I could do for those people who have been taking care of and loving me so much. I hung out with everyone I listed up from the last time here in the U.S.

I tried to be honest to everyone and I was. When I promised something to someone, I kept promises except for the time I totally forgot since I was really on the go. I did not promise something I knew that I could not keep. I was a honest person I had ever been.

There was a time when I truly felt regret.

It is a time that I went back on a promise with others, and left their lives.

I feel fully satisfied now.

No regret.

My heart is as clear as a blue sky.

Ready to say goodbye.

I would like to say “Thank you” to those who always gave me a ride when I was in need, those who gave me time to enjoy moments together, to those who helped me with my studying when I was in need, and to those who gave me time in which I could relax and put myself at a distance from all the messes I was in.

Thank you all.

As I mentioned, time to say goodbye is always lurking around the Conner for whatever the reason is. It could be the death of your friends and family, the end of school or your company, and etc.

It always gives you a bitter feeling and might make you cry and kick yourself. All the “Should-have-done” thoughts comes into your mind at the same time.

I announced that I have already gotten used to it, but the truth is that it is still hard to say goodbye and leave with all the memories and times I shared.

Since I have been through all kinds of goodbyes, there is a friendly piece of advice that I can give you all:

Do not do something you might regret later. At every moment you meet someone (friend, family, etc), do not take them for granted, and try to care about them as much as you can no matter how bad the situation you are in is

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