Me Time and Me Space: Loving yourself is the first step to loving others

Who are you? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? What encourages you? What are you pursuing? And what do you know about yourself?

I was sick in the morning when I finally got out of my bed. Regardless of what I felt, I went out of my house to the school I have been going for four years. I rode my scooter to the subway station. It was only 5:50am; everyone is still sleeping in their beds usually when I get on the subway. It was silent, but there were a lot of noises scattering around in my head. I was thinking about everything that had been stressing me out to the point I felt I just wanted to be alone.

It took me two and half hours to get to my university, but it was nothing hectic since I had been doing this for almost three years so far. When I arrived at my university, I immediately took my feet to a class room where I had to give the last presentation in my entire college life in 10 minutes.  I sat on the one of chairs randomly ordered in the room. I wasn’t thinking about the presentation, but thinking about something else.

As time ticked away, I was gradually feeling like throwing up and got a severe stomachache which I have never felt in my life or at least since I got into the University. Even with the sickness, I completed my 90 minutes presentation like nothing was wrong with me. Everyone in the room gave it up for me, and asked me questions related to the topic I delivered the speech about.

I went out to the bathroom right after the presentation, and I literally  said to the man in the mirror “Who are you?”.  It was me, but was not me. I did not feel that I was looking at myself, rather, I was looking at someone else I was not familiar with. My face was so pale, no smile, no nothing. On top of the weird feeling, my stomach flipped upside down intensely, and I threw up. In that, I went to see my doctor who told me that I was under too much stresses and I needed to take a break from everything I had to deal with.

Now that I think about it, I was under so much pressure, and having all the sorts of thoughts at the same time. I was thinking about school, my job, relationships, my passion, death of a loved one and more. If I had a dollar for every time I list thoughts I had in my head, I would have been a millionaire. Especially the relationship part had been the one of troubles constantly bothering me most of the days over the last 10 months.

I was loosing myself. I did not feel any confidence in myself whereas I used to have too much confidence in myself.

I was loosing myself to the obsessive thoughts and my characteristic of being strict and harsh on myself. Thus, I decided to be alone. I decided to be alone in my own world where nobody can possibly intervene with me or come bother me: “Me time and Me space“.

I stopped hanging out with anyone, cancelled all the appointments I had with others, and most importantly, even stopped communicating with my best buddy. However, this had to be done to heal myself and regain the confidence in myself I used to have. I needed to take care of myself first to take care of others well enough to make them feel good.

Speaking of relationships, I have been having obsessive thoughts and feelings about a girl, but I was trying to move on, shutting down all the communication means I could use to interact with her, and I gradually started to get myself back on the right track. I started to see girls I was interested in, and they were fantastically smart, full of compassion and beautiful, which I need the most for a girl in my life. Even with the thought, there was a feeling lingering up in my head  “I do not think I can love them the same way I loved the girl I am still having feelings for”. However, I was trying to move on and make some changes in my life by doing something I knew that was meaningless.

The day I went to the hospital to see my doctor, I had an appointment with a girl I had been seeing, but she cancelled it on me. It hurt, but in the same breath, it was good for me because deep down in the back of my mind, all the time I knew that she was not the one I truly wanted, but I was justifying to myself that she could be the one at the same time.  If she had come, I would have definitely kept lying to myself and her as well, and I was also feeling sorry for her in that I had been wasting her time just to hang out with me. It was not fair to her since I used her in order to kill my loneliness. That was a trigger of my canceling all the meetings I had with others. They asked me why, but I never replied to them…

I needed “Me time and Me space” to clear up my thoughts and define what I wanted to get in my life and what I wanted to accomplish. I needed to take care of myself first to take care of others better. I needed to love myself just like I used to do.

All the people on the earth are only human beings, in other words, even they say they are tough, they are not. We are all fragile and cannot bear extreme stresses and pressures from outside. It is better if you have someone who you can trust and who trusts you enough to support you throughout tough times, but that is not that case most of the time. We need time to love and take care of ourselves.

I finally faced my inner voice that had been telling me the exact the same thing  from the beginning of all the struggles up to now. When it comes to the point you ca not have any room for anything, all the opinions and perspectives others have to suggest you do not matter to you anymore.

And I also rekindled my passion to write articles which always help me to be relaxed and happy.

What I have learned through having “me time and space” is that I can not love more than two people at the same time, and even If do, it makes me sick to death. Furthermore, I noticed that time I have troubles with myself, I became weaker and weaker to the point where I can not have decent relationships not only with girls but also with my best friend. I believe that when those who are true to themselves and take care of themselves well finally meet one another, they will have a great relationship and truly respect each other without having any kind of fears or regrets.

I’m still in the healing process, but at least now I have been regaining what I need to complete myself, and start believing in myself again, and this is because I decided to talk to myself and take care of myself first despite the fact I have many people I would like to take care of first.

You need to love yourself in order to love others well, and it is your job to take care of yourself always.

 

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How to avoid situations that make you mad

Honestly speaking, there is no way to avoid these situations, and they will come out of the blue and give you the punch boywonderhitting right into your face.

For instance, I thought I was going to receive a job offer right off the bat after starting job hunting in that I had a great background and experience most people have not been through before. I was pretty much stuck up and thought of it lightly, but the truth was a far cry from what I expected.

One time, this interviewer told me at the end of interview:

“I am sorry but I can’t give you a job offer since you do not take a hint and struggle to be modest. You are too confident and aggressive.”

It literally gave me a pause; I was dumbfound and did not know what to say in reply. It was the hardest moment I have ever had during job hunting when looking back. All the confidence running through in my veins evaporated instantly.

The mistake that I made was that I was expecting something from them. I was expecting them to say something nice and warm, and accept me without any doubts.

Expecting something is alright sometimes , but most of the time, it turns out to be no good at all in our lives. Why? Because the world we are living in is simply standing on sequences of unexpected events. It is not stable and there is nothing we can use to stabilize them.

When you expect something, you are not thinking about others and all the things around you but only you and your benefits.  Don’t try and refute this, you have to admit it. This isn’t bullshit. And you become a self-centered person. In this situation, when the worst case just falls into you, you basically go off like a bomb. In addition to that, after you go crazy, chances are that the situation will not get any better but will be steadily getting worse.

I am now telling you that everything is not going to go exactly as you wish unless you are God or Harry Potter… hold on, Harry Potter couldn’t even anticipate what was going to happen for most parts in the films.

Here is another example of expecting: When I was in high school, there was this beautiful girl and I was head over heels in love with her on first sight. As a luck would have it, we started to go out on dates. I was expecting her to love me back as I did her, but ironically it did not take place. My expectations just brought the relationship to an end at the end of the day.

She told me that she felt that I was putting her into where there was no way out for her to take a rest, and it was too much.

I texted her that it was not too much but I was simply showing how much I cared about her. She did not reply and was silent.   I learned some lessons from it. Thank you very much.

Another example is that I was expecting that I had done pretty good work on an exam and aced it. However when the teacher returned my paper back to me, it really rained on my parade. I got 40 out of 100 which was not my expectation, and of course, I picked a little quarreling fight with my teacher, pointing out what I was expecting to get. Afterwords, he had me standing in the hall right next to the class room due to my destruction of the atmosphere in the room.

Here is one more example: I was between jobs back in time when I was still in college.  I asked the former boss of mine at restaurant I used to work at for a job offer as a part time worker again. He, without missing a beat, said that he would willingly give me a job since he had known me for almost 4 years. I did not appreciate it; I took it for granted and asked him for 10 bucks per an hour due to my gut feeling that I was deserving this amount of money. He rejected the offer and did counter offer suggesting that I would get 9 bucks instead.  I am little bit of a short tempered guy compared to others to be honest, and it got to me.

Let’s get back to the main point of this article: “How to avoid situations that make you mad”. The reason you get mad is that things don’t work out in your favor.

The most efficient way to avoid these is to not expect anything in your life.  There is nothing you can have control over. There is nobody you can rule over. Everything happens for a reason but not in your favor. You have to have a self control telling yourself that you have to acknowledge everything taking place in your life without resisting against them.

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Is there something you can control? Yes there is. There is one thing you can control. What is it? It is “you”.  You the only one you can control in this world. You get what you deserve in this world if you are active and aware of your surroundings.

If you want to get your ex back, you cannot expect them to come back to you. You have to take control over yourself and change yourself in the first place to be attractive enough to make them feel like getting back together.

In the process of making efforts and putting yourself in the place where you want to be, you are going to gain the power to attract and touch people’s lives which makes it easier for you to expect something you want from them.

 

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What makes you mature?

Are you selfish or immature? Or do you think you are well educated and mature?

It does not matter if you are younger or older when it comes to the degree of maturity you have. Some adults are not really mature in my opinion, whereas some young people are smart and know what to do to deal with their lives. I strongly believe that being mature is really important in our lives . It does not matter if you have a job or career or something, it does not necessarily make you a grown-up man.

I was in a bathroom on a bullet train and did not know how to lock the door, so I asked a guy who seemed to be 50- something randomly,

“Hey, would you mind if I ask you to tell me how to lock this door?”

He gave me a glance without saying anything. What is this? I can not understand what those who do not say anything think in their heads. At least he could have said,

“I don’t know or I don’t have time to tell you how.”

I have been told how to behave respectfully to others since I was just a kid, and I would definitely have said something like that if I had been asked back then.

Those older people who have been living in society for a long time do not even know how to deal with these situations.

Yes, life is not always fair. Life is tough and fun. You do not know what is lurking around the corner, therefore you have to prepare for the unfairness. You have to be strong and mature enough to deal with troublesome situations.

What are the differences between mature and immature people?


Immature

  1. You do not have time to think and care about others because you put yourself first in any situation

If you think you are really modest and thoughtful to others, you do not conduct something that hurts others’ feelings. I know human beings are not perfect and never will be, but at least they can try their best to begin with. This is applicable to any situation, not only in the workplace but also relations with your friends and people close to you. I will mention this later, but everything in your life is all about trust with others; if you cannot not build that trust, you are done in this world.

  1. You do not think about consequences your choice will bring down the road

This is critical as long as you live in this human society where everything you do gives you responsibilities. Some people do things in the spur of the moment and live their lives following their hearts all the time. I am not saying that you have to pretend to be nice and predict what is going to happen to you at any given moment, but I am saying that you have to be aware of the consequences your choice will potentially produce. And please do not lie to people. Be honest always. If you lie and are dishonest to others, you will absolutely have no choice but to put yourself at the corner of the room in the end where you can not move anywhere. If you lie, you will be covered up with lies all over your body and soul which leads you to feeling sorry for yourself  later. So be careful with every choice you make from now on. Be cautious.

  1. You judge people by their age, appearance, ethnicity and background

As I said, it does not matter if you are younger or older. When it comes to the degree of maturity, it is all about how well you can care about others along with yourself at the same time. I never judge people until I talk to them face to face. Only after a long time knowing them is when I start judging them. I have been talking to wide ranges of people in terms of education, ethnicity and age. It is always true that I look up to those who are “NICE and KIND” and don’t judge others.

  1. You don’t think ahead and say things unnecessarily in the heat of moment 

Everyone has experienced this at least once. You say something you do not really mean, and regret  what you have said later on. It happened to me when I was a kid to my friends and parents, but as you get older, you start appreciating what you have now. Of curse it doesn’t get easier overnight to control  yourself and your emotions in the heat of the moment, but let’s just step back and take a look at the big picture and think in the long run before you say something. It takes much effort and time to learn how to deal with these situation.

  1. You kick yourself all the time and do not take any actions to make it better 

Some people who have people skills really do not kick themselves all the time. They know themselves well and know how to get across their points efficiently to others. Everything they say they are sure enough that is exactly what they want to tell to people, plus they are aware of pros and cons of it. They are following their hearts in a different way from those who are pretending to follow their hearts with a little bit of doubt in the back of their minds. They confirm that they can deal with both pros and cons of a stiuation, in other words, they are confidence in themselves. They can quickly answer those questions which might sound challenging and controversial. I am not mature enough yet , but at least I do have a consistent discipline in myself I have to follow, which gives me a clear idea of what to do and how to deal with people. When I kick myself, I always take an action to make it better and learn from it bit by bit.

  1. You go back on promises unreasonably 

Some are really faithful to their words and some are not. Some say “I will do this for you” and then say “I can not” without giving any reasons, leaving you choking in their dust. You will get confused and hurt just a little bit. If they keep doing this, they are done as a person. When you promise something, you have to make suere if it is really possible for you to do that beforehand. If you are not sure, you might want to say, “I can not do that because I am not sure about it” with some explanations of why you are not sure. Be honest always.

  1. You cannot bear being alone 

There is always time you feel lonely if you live on the surface of the earth as a human being. It is inevitable and it is also human nature. I have been feeling lonely as a matter of fact for a year. I always hope I have someone who will listen to me in the time of trouble, sitting side by side, but that does not happen always. Most of time I have to tell myself, “I can do this by myself”, ” If I do not do it, who else do it for me?” Burdens can just fall onto your shoulders and make it hard to breath when you do not have someone to talk to. However, those who have been through this experiences at least for 3 or 4 years as a total know how difficult it is and can develop sense of toughness. You can always be needy, and that is life.

  1. You have no consistency in your words 

You see people saying something and then later say something different and it makes you confused enough to dislike them. If you are the type of person who does not have consistency in your words, be careful when you interact with others, otherwise you will lose your credibility easily.  Imagine yourself having a friend who promised you to hang out at the park next weekend, but he/she then says something like “I am sorry I can not do that next weekend because I have to do my family stuff”, but you see him/her hanging out with other friends at the park next weekend. Yeah, it hurts you so badly right? So, do not be like that.

  1. You do not realize things you do to make you look bad (or do it deliberately)

Some kids say that they did not know what was right and wrong at that time when they had done whatever it was. It is alright and even a little cute, which makes you feel that you want to take care of them and teach them how-to-x, but if they are adults, it turns into a totally different story.

  1. You do things that destroy your trust with others 

I should have put this one on the top of this list since this is the main point of this article. It is okay to do whatever you want, no one is going to stop you from doing it, but it is not professional to easily destroy your trust with others. As long as you live in this society, everything here is working under the trust and bonds between you and people, in a nutshell, you must follow all the lists above. People can be cruel to those who care about them most. Think about your parents. When you are young, what did you say to them? Yeah, when you hit puberty, you sometimes could not control yourself. People always do this to others. We have to be careful about this.

 


What makes you mature?

I hate to break it to you, but to be mature, you should be able to handle all the things I named above; however, if you ask me to decide on one thing that clearly distinguishes those who are immature and mature, that is:

Forgiveness“.

Those who can forgive others are the ones who are mature.

Of course, it is not really easy. To forgive others means to let everything that has hurt you a lot go for good .

You cannot rub it in anymore.

You cannot even talk about it for the rest of your life to those who did bad to you.

You cannot ask all the details and reasons why they did it to you once you forgive them.

After the vary moment you forgive them, it is going to be the battle against yourself from then.

You have to deal with all the emotions inside of you, trying to let everything go.

Sometimes you have to pretend that you are doing fine and  act friendly in the process of rebuilding relations with others even though you are not still sure if you digested everything already.

It is one thing to forgive, but it is another thing to forget.

If you can do both of them at the same time, you are really mature.

It takes times, but at least if you can forgive others no matter what, people can tell that you are mature.

You can forgive because you are strong.

Be strong, boys and girls.

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Time to say good bye. Do something before you regret

As long as you live, there is always a time you can not avoid.

Time to say goodbye.

It is always hard to say goodbye to your lover, friends, and family, no matter whatever the situation is.

You look back the times you had great fun with them, feeling sorry for yourself having not seen them more than you should have. However the time to depart is gradually, but steadily coming as time progresses against your wish.

You regret looking back the time you did and said something to them, which might have hurt their feelings.

You kick yourself for all the things you could have done for those who cared about you, and those you care about, but you did not.

Such a life.

Tired of regretting.

Tired of being sorry.

You get misty-eyed.

You might have cried over them for a night.

You wish that time would stop for good.

You wish that you shouldn’t have met them in the first place.

However, it is time for you to get up your nerve and say goodbye to your peers.

The past can not be changed.

If there is still time, say “Thank you” to every last one of people who took care of you, who loved you, who had a great time with you,  and who will miss you.


My experience of Goodbye

My life is full of regrets. I do still remember the first day I felt so bittersweet and cried so hard wishing I would not have to break away from my beloved friends.

It was 14 years ago that I was 7 years-old and I had to move out of city I lived in for 3 years. Since my father had been working at a certain life insurance company that sent him around all across the country, I already had experiences of moving from one place to another, but I had never stayed at one place for so long.  Within 3 years, I went to a kindergarten for 2 years and elementary school for a year, which was enough time for me to make friends to hang out with and trust , and enough time to fall in love with a girl. On the last day, I walked around the park I had used to go to and played with my friends in vein. I met up with a girl there I had crushed on for the first time. I told her that I had to move out of the city, and I liked her so much. Now that I think about it,  it was a unique situation for a 7 year-old kid to step up to the plate and say “I like you so much” like a grown up man. She started sobbing, telling me that she also liked me. My heart jumped up in the sky like a space shuttle lunched into space, but at the same time, I had to face the reality that I could not see her anymore. It was a bitter pill to swallow. I also met a boy who I had used to hang out with a lot. He gave me a Pokemon Card shinning in the sun light, which is the card he had been proud of having because of its rarity. I would have never imagined that he was going to give that to me. He told me,

This card will keep us together

He and she ran as long as they could after our car when we left the city. It was the first time that I had ever kicked myself at the fact that I did not hang out with them more often.


     By the time I started to fit into a new school, there was another moving-out after staying for only 7 months in the school. I thought I was totally fine with it, and decided not to cry again, but it was still difficult for an 8 year-old kid.  A lot of my friends gathered and signed their names and addresses on a little book, which I still have in my house. There was a girl who wrote,

“I liked you since the day I met you, good bye”

As far as it went, she would always drop by my house a lot for whatever the reason she had, and that made me think that she might like me, but at the end of the day, I could not confess my feelings to her. Regret!!

I had a chance out of the blue to talk with her later when I was 20 years old. She told me that I held her hands always when she asked me to do so, and put her hands in my pockets to warm them up when it was cold.


When I moved out to another new place which I have lived in for almost 13 years , I had already gotten used to saying goodbye and moving on, unlike any other kids around me at that time. As a matter of fact, that was my 5th time of moving-out. I graduated from an elementary school and junior high school.

If I had to mention the most bitter goodbye I had during that period of time, I would have to say that it was the time I had to leave soccer club that I had been a part of for 3 years. For 3 years, my teammates and I had been together. We went through all the emotions you can think of: an emotion out of losing the game, winning the game, being scolded by a coach and social tension among members.

We were competing against other teams in a tournament we had for the last time in which winning games was the only way to continue our existence. We lost a game. After the game, some members were upset, and some were crying. I did not cry, but after getting back to my place, all the emotion I held back started busting out of my mouth. Just the thought of not being able to play soccer with them made me hopeless and miserable.


It came to my life all of a sudden that I got qualified to study abroad in Texas for a year when I was 16 years old. I flew to the U.S. in the hopes of learning English.

Do you know the things that make you cry when you have to say goodbye to people? As far as I know, there are two possibilities. The first possibility is simply because  you are sad at the fact that you have to leave and can not see your friends anymore unlike you used to. The other possibility is because you have to leave and you can not come back to the place you were totally accustomed to.

By the time I had to leave the U.S., I was absolutely done with goodbyes, but instead I was sad for leaving a place I was so familiar with. I went to the field on the last day of school, where I had used to practice soccer for school with teammates everyday after school. I cried a little.

I am not saying that I did not feel sad at the fact I had to leave everyone I met there behind, but simply I had already gotten used to it. And since I had already gotten used to it and learned lessons not to regret later on like I had a lot of times, I was not kicking myself about anything relating to relationships with people. I had a good time with them, and did everything I could do for them and myself.


And now here I am in Florida, about to leave for Japan.

To be honest, I do not regret anything since I did everything I could do for those people who have been taking care of and loving me so much. I hung out with everyone I listed up from the last time here in the U.S.

I tried to be honest to everyone and I was. When I promised something to someone, I kept promises except for the time I totally forgot since I was really on the go. I did not promise something I knew that I could not keep. I was a honest person I had ever been.

There was a time when I truly felt regret.

It is a time that I went back on a promise with others, and left their lives.

I feel fully satisfied now.

No regret.

My heart is as clear as a blue sky.

Ready to say goodbye.

I would like to say “Thank you” to those who always gave me a ride when I was in need, those who gave me time to enjoy moments together, to those who helped me with my studying when I was in need, and to those who gave me time in which I could relax and put myself at a distance from all the messes I was in.

Thank you all.


As I mentioned, time to say goodbye is always lurking around the Conner for whatever the reason is. It could be the death of your friends and family, the end of school or your company, and etc.

It always gives you a bitter feeling and might make you cry and kick yourself. All the “Should-have-done” thoughts comes into your mind at the same time.

I announced that I have already gotten used to it, but the truth is that it is still hard to say goodbye and leave with all the memories and times I shared.

Since I have been through all kinds of goodbyes, there is a friendly piece of advice that I can give you all:

Do not do something you might regret later. At every moment you meet someone (friend, family, etc), do not take them for granted, and try to care about them as much as you can no matter how bad the situation you are in is

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