Who are you? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? What encourages you? What are you pursuing? And what do you know about yourself?
I was sick in the morning when I finally got out of my bed. Regardless of what I felt, I went out of my house to the school I have been going for four years. I rode my scooter to the subway station. It was only 5:50am; everyone is still sleeping in their beds usually when I get on the subway. It was silent, but there were a lot of noises scattering around in my head. I was thinking about everything that had been stressing me out to the point I felt I just wanted to be alone.
It took me two and half hours to get to my university, but it was nothing hectic since I had been doing this for almost three years so far. When I arrived at my university, I immediately took my feet to a class room where I had to give the last presentation in my entire college life in 10 minutes. I sat on the one of chairs randomly ordered in the room. I wasn’t thinking about the presentation, but thinking about something else.
As time ticked away, I was gradually feeling like throwing up and got a severe stomachache which I have never felt in my life or at least since I got into the University. Even with the sickness, I completed my 90 minutes presentation like nothing was wrong with me. Everyone in the room gave it up for me, and asked me questions related to the topic I delivered the speech about.
I went out to the bathroom right after the presentation, and I literally said to the man in the mirror “Who are you?”. It was me, but was not me. I did not feel that I was looking at myself, rather, I was looking at someone else I was not familiar with. My face was so pale, no smile, no nothing. On top of the weird feeling, my stomach flipped upside down intensely, and I threw up. In that, I went to see my doctor who told me that I was under too much stresses and I needed to take a break from everything I had to deal with.
Now that I think about it, I was under so much pressure, and having all the sorts of thoughts at the same time. I was thinking about school, my job, relationships, my passion, death of a loved one and more. If I had a dollar for every time I list thoughts I had in my head, I would have been a millionaire. Especially the relationship part had been the one of troubles constantly bothering me most of the days over the last 10 months.
I was loosing myself. I did not feel any confidence in myself whereas I used to have too much confidence in myself.
I was loosing myself to the obsessive thoughts and my characteristic of being strict and harsh on myself. Thus, I decided to be alone. I decided to be alone in my own world where nobody can possibly intervene with me or come bother me: “Me time and Me space“.
I stopped hanging out with anyone, cancelled all the appointments I had with others, and most importantly, even stopped communicating with my best buddy. However, this had to be done to heal myself and regain the confidence in myself I used to have. I needed to take care of myself first to take care of others well enough to make them feel good.
Speaking of relationships, I have been having obsessive thoughts and feelings about a girl, but I was trying to move on, shutting down all the communication means I could use to interact with her, and I gradually started to get myself back on the right track. I started to see girls I was interested in, and they were fantastically smart, full of compassion and beautiful, which I need the most for a girl in my life. Even with the thought, there was a feeling lingering up in my head “I do not think I can love them the same way I loved the girl I am still having feelings for”. However, I was trying to move on and make some changes in my life by doing something I knew that was meaningless.
The day I went to the hospital to see my doctor, I had an appointment with a girl I had been seeing, but she cancelled it on me. It hurt, but in the same breath, it was good for me because deep down in the back of my mind, all the time I knew that she was not the one I truly wanted, but I was justifying to myself that she could be the one at the same time. If she had come, I would have definitely kept lying to myself and her as well, and I was also feeling sorry for her in that I had been wasting her time just to hang out with me. It was not fair to her since I used her in order to kill my loneliness. That was a trigger of my canceling all the meetings I had with others. They asked me why, but I never replied to them…
I needed “Me time and Me space” to clear up my thoughts and define what I wanted to get in my life and what I wanted to accomplish. I needed to take care of myself first to take care of others better. I needed to love myself just like I used to do.
All the people on the earth are only human beings, in other words, even they say they are tough, they are not. We are all fragile and cannot bear extreme stresses and pressures from outside. It is better if you have someone who you can trust and who trusts you enough to support you throughout tough times, but that is not that case most of the time. We need time to love and take care of ourselves.
I finally faced my inner voice that had been telling me the exact the same thing from the beginning of all the struggles up to now. When it comes to the point you ca not have any room for anything, all the opinions and perspectives others have to suggest you do not matter to you anymore.
And I also rekindled my passion to write articles which always help me to be relaxed and happy.
What I have learned through having “me time and space” is that I can not love more than two people at the same time, and even If do, it makes me sick to death. Furthermore, I noticed that time I have troubles with myself, I became weaker and weaker to the point where I can not have decent relationships not only with girls but also with my best friend. I believe that when those who are true to themselves and take care of themselves well finally meet one another, they will have a great relationship and truly respect each other without having any kind of fears or regrets.
I’m still in the healing process, but at least now I have been regaining what I need to complete myself, and start believing in myself again, and this is because I decided to talk to myself and take care of myself first despite the fact I have many people I would like to take care of first.
You need to love yourself in order to love others well, and it is your job to take care of yourself always.
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